?

Log in

Dog Shit

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
6:26 pm - I can't get this out of my mind.
I have said this before, and if someday this person reads this they will know who they are, but I refuse to believe entirely in chance. I believe in what is called, "Sincronicity" or meaningful coincidences. Random chance does certainly exist, however there are times when, through the collective will or desire of two or more individuals, the world is influenced by that will. I strongly believe that at a time when I most needed a friend, and I think they needed one too, that we somehow found each other. I used to think there was more meaning to it than that, but now I am faced with the thought that meeting them was just supposed to be a growing experience for us. Maybe we weren't meant to stay in contact with each other. It isn't what I want to believe, but it might be true. So, to find out, after several years apart, I will try to reach out to them, one last time. If nothing comes of it, at least I have the time we spent together. But I refuse to lose anyone else. I am down to three people I can truely call my friends, people I talk to everyday, that I love and I know love me. I have tried to reach out to other people, but I think I am too old. I know 26 isn't that old, but I think that the social skills (what little I had) of my younger days have faded (either through design or ill use). Maybe this happens to everyone. Most believe that the friends you have once you become an adult, are the ones you keep for life. I won't deny that it is partly because of fear that I don't actively try to form new bonds with people, after all it took 10 years to cement the ones I have. And that is precisely the reason I don't want to give up on this particular one, even after not speaking for years, I still consider them a friend. I can only hope they feel the same, and what's more, that I can contact them if they do. I don't think I will be using this journal again for awhile. It has brought up too many memories (not really good or bad) that should remain in the past. I begin to realize that maybe this "new" person I think I have become, was merely a way for me to live with the difficulties of the past few years. And that the kid who wrote this journal might not be as lost as I thought him to be. The sad thing is, that the way things are in my life currently, I am not sure I want him to come back. I think the weight of my everyday life would crush him, but maybe one day, if I can still remember how, it will be okay put this current persona away, and bring back the one with promise. The problem being, I have lived almost half my life with this protective visage. At what point will I lose the ability to discard it. Or perhaps a better question is, since I adopted it without much thought until recently, will I adopt something worse without knowing it, until it is to late?

(comment on this)

Monday, July 30th, 2012
1:17 am - Yes, I'm back.
I don't know why I am posting this, I just kind of felt like I had to. I received an e-mail the other day saying that someone had posted a comment on one of my postings. Truthfully, I had forgotten this even existed. I just spent tonight reading everything I have ever posted here, and it is like reading a strangers journal. My friend James lives with me now, and he was reading this with me, everything I ever wrote about him. I told him that I remembered a lot of these moments, but the person writing about them seems like a different person than I am now (and he had HORRIBLE spelling). I don't know when exactly I became who I am today, but I am filled with a sense of envy for this kid's view of the world. Everything was so much more significant, and little things were so much more important. This was the last medium I used to record my thoughts. I have a facebook account (that I have never used), and I made a MySpace page, that I used maybe 10 times. I have actively tried to avoid indulging in those social distractions, mainly because I have lost interest in what strangers have to say, and I assumed no one would care what I had to say. Even if this is never read by another person, the fact that this record of my life during my High School years still exists, is proof that who I was... was at all I guess. And, despite the fact that I have had moments of self actualization in the past, this one seems to be one of the most significant. I was brought face to face with how much I have changed (some for the better, some for the worse), and how seemlessly that change occured. I can't say whether I will continue to write in this thing again, I have actually been writing for years now privately (that is to say, not on any public forum). But in the past few months, even that has declined. I am reminded of a saying,"Look at every action of your life with the question,'Do you desire this once more, or inumerable times more?' in mind." And, I can honestly say, that up until I stopped writing in this journal, I did. As I said, the world was more significant then. But I can honestly say that nothing has happened within this 6 year hiatus that I would want to go through again. And I have been able to live day to day, without this thought on my mind for the longest of times, until I received that e-mail that called me back here. It doesn't seem like that much time has passed, but I guess that's the point. Good night.

(comment on this)

Friday, March 4th, 2005
12:06 am
ok, so i am hanging out at the cricket today. and some ass crashed into the big sign pole outside and then tore ass outta there. sucked. for him. and i had to wonder. did i look that stupid at anytime during my 8 wrecks? probably. anyway, onward to lyrics town. population, everyone who reads them.

Rewrite - Asian Kung-fu Generation

Kishinda omoi o hakidashitai no wa
Sonzai no shoumei ga hoka ni nai kara
Tsukanda hazu no boku no mirai wa
"Songen" to "jiyuu" de mujun shiteru yo

Yuganda zanzou o keshi saritaino wa
Jibun no genkai o sokoni miru kara
Jiishiki kajouna boku no modo ni wa
Kyonen no KARENDAA, hizuke ga naiyo

Keshite RIRAITO shite
Kudaranai chou gensou
Wasurarenu sonzai kan o

Kishikaisei RIRAITO shite
Imi no nai mousou mo
Kimi o nasu gendouryoku zenshin zenrei o
Kure yo

Mebaeteta kanjou kitte naite
Shosen tada bonyou shitte naite

Kusatta kokoro o, usugitanai uso o

Keshite RIRAITO shite
Kudaranai chou genzou
Wasurarenu sonzai kan o

Kishikaisei RIRAITO shite
Imi no nai souzou mo
Kimi o nasu gendouryoku zenshin zenrei o
Kure yo
Wo wo
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Rewrite - Asian Kung-fu Generation - Translation

Wanting to spit out the jarred thoughts is
Because there's no other proof of my existence
My future that I should've grabbed hold is
Conflicting between "dignity" and "freedom"

Wanting to erase the distorted afterimage is
Because I'll see my limit over there
In the window of the excessively self-conscious me
There are no dates in last year's calendar

Erase and rewrite
The pointless ultra-fantasy
Revive
The unforgettable sense of being
Rewrite
The meaningless imagination
The driving force that creates you
Give it your whole body and soul

After cutting my feelings that grew, I regret
After realizing that after all, I'm just a mediocrity, I cry
A depressed heart
A dirty lie

Erase and rewrite
The pointless ultra-fantasy
Revive
The unforgettable sense of being
Rewrite
The meaningless imagination
The driving force that creates you
Give it your whole body and soul
Wo wo
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

(comment on this)

Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
11:55 pm - *sigh*
You scored as Justice. Justice- with you is all that is fair and true in the hearts of men.

</td>

Justice

79%

Prudence

71%

Temperance

68%

Fortitude

64%

Charity

57%

Hope

46%

Faith

32%

The Seven Heavenly Virtues
created with QuizFarm.com

(comment on this)

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
11:00 pm - Test
Obviously a girl made this quiz (since all the anime pics are girls ;)) but i'll post it anyway ;)

control
your weapon is your own mouth and quick thinking,
you can convince anyone to do whatever you want
by asking them with sound effects, facial
expressions, and even humor, you are in control
and are great at sorting out


What is your weapon? with anime pics !
brought to you by Quizilla

(1 comment | comment on this)

Saturday, December 11th, 2004
10:50 am - Kingdom Hearts 2
well, this game finally came out. and since i am gonna be hearing this song alot i am sure on the game. here are the lyrics in honor of the games release ;).

Simple And Clean - Kingdom Hearts

When you walk away you don't hear me say,
"Please, oh baby...Don't go."
Simple and clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

You're giving me too many things lately, you're all I need
You smiled at me and said,

"Don't get me wrong, I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older you'll understand what I meant when I said 'No.'
I don't think life is quite that simple."

When you walk away you don't hear me say,
"Please, oh baby...Don't go."
Simple and clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

The daily things that keep us all busy are confusing me
That's when you came to me and said,

"Wish I could prove I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older you'll understand it's enough when I say so.
And maybe some things are that simple."

When you walk away you don't hear me say,
"Please, oh baby...Don't go."
Simple and clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on
Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

When you walk away you don't hear me say,
"Please, oh baby...Don't go."
Simple and clean is the way that you're makin' me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on
Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on
Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, November 22nd, 2004
1:43 pm
3 Libras - A Perfect Circle

Threw you the obvious,
and you flew with it on your back.
A name in your recollection,
down among a million, say...
Difficult enough to feel a little bit,
disappointed, passed over.
But I've looked right through,
to see you naked and oblivious...
And you don't see me...

Well I threw you the obvious,
just to see if there's more behind the,
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy...

Here I am expecting just a little bit,
Too much from the wounded.
But I see,
see through it all,
see through,
see you...

Cause I threw you the obvious,
to see what occurs behind the,
eyes of a fallen angel!
Eyes of a tragedy!

Oh well, oh well..
Apparently nothing...
Apparently nothing at all...

You don't.
You don't.
You don't see me!
You don't.
You don't.
You don't see me!
You don't.
You don't.
You don't see me!
You don't.
You don't.
You don't see me!

You don't see me!
You don't!
You don't!
You don't see me at all...

(comment on this)

Thursday, November 11th, 2004
12:31 pm - *laughs* man i wish brett could see this

What The Hell Happened Last Night?
LJ Username
What did you drink?
You wake up in the morning next to: slimchance313
...who is wearing: a Strongbad costume
...and rolls over to you to say: How the heck did you manage to sleep with those wrist cuffs on?
...and then: hugs you for ever and ever until you die
This Quiz by joneccleston - Taken 126556 Times.
</a>
New! Get Free Daily Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

(comment on this)

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004
11:03 am - From the new Perfect Circle CD, my new favorite song.
Passive - A Perfect Circle

Dead as dead can be,
the doctor tells me...
But I just can’t believe him,
ever the optimistic one -
I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy...

Wake up and face me...
Don’t play dead cause maybe,
someday I will walk away and say,
"You disappoint me... Maybe you’re better off this way..."

Leaning over you here,
cold and catatonic...
I catch a brief reflection,
of what you could and might have been...
It's your right and your ability to become my perfect enemy...

Wake up and face me...
Don’t play dead cause maybe,
someday I will walk away and say,
"You disappoint me... Maybe you’re better off this way..."

Maybe you’re better off this way...
Maybe you’re better off this way...
Maybe you’re better off this way...
You’re better off this!
You’re better off this!
Maybe you’re better off!

Wake up and face me!
Don’t play dead cause maybe,
someday I will walk away and say,
"You fucking disappoint me! Maybe you’re better off this way!"

Go ahead and play dead!
I know that you can hear this!
Go ahead and play dead!
Why can't you turn and face me?!
Why can't you turn and face me?!
Why can't you turn and face me?!
Why can't you turn and face me?!
You fucking disappoint me!!!

Passive-aggressive bullshit...
Passive-aggressive bullshit...
Passive-aggressive bullshit...
Passive-aggressive bullshit...

current mood: bouncy

(comment on this)

Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
11:58 pm - My new favorite song.....
Eulogy - Tool

He had alot to say,
he had alot of nothing to say...
We'll miss him...

So long!
We wish you well!
You told us how you weren't afraid to die!
Well then, so long!
Don't cry!
Or feel too down!
Not all martyrs see divinity!
But at least you tried!

Standing above the crowd,
he had a voice that was strong and loud...
We'll miss him...
Ranting and pointing his finger,
at everything but his heart.
We'll miss him...

No way,
to recall,
what it was that you had said to me,
like I care at all!
But it was so loud!
You sure could yell!
You took a stand on every little thing!
And so loud!

Standing above the crowd,
he had a voice so strong and loud and I,
swallowed his facade cuz I'm so,
eager to identify with,
someone above the ground,
someone who seemed to feel the same,
someone prepared to lead the way,
someone who would die for me...

Will you? Will you now?
Would you die for me?
Don't you fuckin lie...

Don't you step out of line!
Don't you fuckin lie!

You've claimed all this time that you would die for me...
Why then are you so surprised when you hear your own eulogy?

You had alot to say!
You had alot of nothing to say!

Come down!
Get off your fuckin cross!
We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr!

To ascend you must die!
You must be crucified!
For your sins and your lies!
Goodbye!!!

(comment on this)

Friday, August 20th, 2004
12:16 am - meds
tonight was great. awesome night at pool, i made a shot that no one would believe and i will probably never make again, there was a live band that was AWESOME, and the guy who was carding let me in for free. shit rocked. i hate being off my meds because i can be a real downer sometimes, and i tend too over thinks things. i like being off them because i can really enjoy myself when i got out with my friends. still havnt decided if i am going back on them, probably will. buts its fun for the moment. anyways, take it easy everyone.

(1 comment | comment on this)

Sunday, August 15th, 2004
9:34 am - no rest for the wicked
well, things are going good. i was just going to put more song lyrics up, and i probably still will, but i figured that i havent actually typed anything in awhile. so, i figured, i would. everything seems fine. Ed is gone, anthony is leaving today or tomorrow, and james leaves tuesday. Ed didnt even say goodbye to anyone. he just disappeared. i'm gonna miss that kid. i wish i actually got more chances to hang out with anthony before he leaves. but he really doesnt run with my group as much as he used to. i am REALLY going to miss james. he ALWAYS came over to my house after work, and even if we just video games and didnt speak, it was nice to have him around. i am so glad that jordan is staying though. still leaves me someone to hang out with. burbage is staying too. as i at least have 2 friends that will be around ;). well, my back has gotten worse. the doctors messed up and made my back worse, and there are some side effects that might be fixed but it would be extremely painful to do so... it sucks. well, other then that, i am playing ALL the final fantasys. i have beat 1, i am playing 2, havnt played 4, 5, or 6 yet, but i have them. i cant find 3, i have beat 7, 8, tactics. i need to get 9, 10, and 11. and thats all baby. now for the lyrics. i like them. its an old song, but i good one. EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS SONG! "H" is the name of the song. dont ask me why.

H - Tool

What's coming through is alive...
What's holding up is a mirror...
What's singing songs is a snake-and he's,
looking to turn this piss to wine...
They're both totally void of hate-and,
killing me just the same...

The snake behind me hisses,
what my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me,
open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again-now...
Considerately...

Venomous voice, tempts me,
drains me, bleeds me,
leaves me cracked and empty,
drags me down like some sweet gravity...

The snake behind me hisses,
what my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me,
open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again-now...
And I feel this coming over like a storm again-now...

I am too-connected to you,
to slip away, fade away!
Days away I still feel you,
touching me, changing me!
And considerately killing me...
Considerately killing me...
Considerately killing me...
Considerately killing me...

Without the skin here,
beneath the storm...
Under these tears-now,
the walls came down...

And the snake is drowned,
and as I look in his eyes.
My fear begins to fail,
recalling all of those times.

I could have cried then...
I should have cried then...

And as the walls come down,
and as I look in your eyes.
My fear begins to fade,
recalling all of the times...

I have died...
And will die...
It's all right...
I don't mind...
I don't mind...
I don't mind!

I am too-connected to you,
to slip away, fade away!
Days away I still feel you,
touching me, changing me...
And considerately killing me...
And considerately killing me...
And considerately killing me...

current mood: groggy

(comment on this)

Sunday, August 8th, 2004
1:11 pm - Cool quote I heard last night
"I want to do something nice for someone. I think its nice when someone smiles at you, and you smile back. Unrequited love encourages other people to form friendly bonds. But love can never be forced, no matter how much you want it to be. Forced love strained too long will bloom into a flower of lies. A thorny flower - that will only hurt people..."

current mood: headache

(comment on this)

Friday, August 6th, 2004
11:57 pm - My December
This is my December this is my time of the year
This is my December this is all so clear

This is my December this is my snow covered home
This is my December this is me alone
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed
And I
Take back all the things i said to make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed
And I
Take back all the things i said to you
And I'd..
Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to

This is my December these are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending this is all i need
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed
And I
Take back the things i said to make you feel that
And I
Just wish that i didnt feel like there was something i missed
And I
Take back all the things i said to you
And I'd..
Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to

This is my December this is my time of the year
This is my December this is all so clear

Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to
Give it all away just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away to have someone to come home to

current mood: sleepy

(1 comment | comment on this)

Thursday, August 5th, 2004
12:52 pm - Megadeth - Trust
Lost in a dream
Nothing is what it seems
Searching my head
For the words that you said
Tears filled my eyes
As we said our last goodbyes
This sad scene replays
Of you walking away

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

Time and again
She repeats let's be friends
I smile and say yes
Another truth bends,
I must confess
I try to let go, but I know
We'll never end 'til we're dust
We lied to each other again
But I wish I could trust

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust
God help me please, on my knees
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
Now there's nothing we trust

How could this be happening to me
I'm lying when I say, "Trust me"
I can't believe this is true
Trust hurts
Why does trust equal suffering

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust
God help me please, on my knees
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
Now there's nothing we trust

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

Absolutely nothing we trust

current mood: exhausted

(comment on this)

Thursday, July 29th, 2004
11:27 pm - surprise surprise
well, i talked to someone i hadnt talked to in awhile today. it was actually nice talking to her again. yeah, she was kind of a bitch last time i spoke to her, but she seems to have changed somehow. i hope i can talk to her again soon. anyway, i am also getting glasses tomorrow. they look bad fuckin ass. and i can finally start shooting pool decent again. oh, i won 25 bucks the other day shooting. i know, i rule....

"And it's all or nothing, nothing!
When I find out what went on,
we'll bring it back but it won't be easy!
They won't believe a man,
he could but I'd choose Starseed over, nothing, nothing!
But I found out what went on,
I'll bring it back but it won't be easy!
They won't believe a man,
he could but I'd choose Starseed over, nothing, nothing!
But hey!"

current mood: predatory

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
11:32 pm - Pay attention!
Television

I sit alone contemplating
What is missing inside me
I desperately try to remember
A life that's not meant to be
I meditate
And try to recapture
Some sense of reality
In my life
When I look around
I see numb empty faces
The world is waiting to die
And this apathy
Is so suffocating
The slow decay of my mind
I've searched the world
For someone with answers
To questions that are plaguing me
I scream in vain
To anyone who'll listen
But everbody's watchin' TV

Is anyone alive?
Or am I lost in a world
Where nothing matters?
Am I lost in a world
Where no one cares?

Is anyone alive?
Is anyone alive?
Or are we lost in a world
Where nothing matters?
Are we lost in a world
Where no one cares?
Where no one cares

Is anyone alive?
Is anyone alive?

current mood: blank

(comment on this)

Saturday, July 24th, 2004
2:33 pm - i wish she would call
I close my eyes and I keep seeing things
Rainbow waterfalls
Sunny liquid dreams
Confusion creeps inside me raining doubt
Gotta get to you
But I don't know how
Call me call me
Let me know it's alright
Call me call me
Don't you think it's 'bout time
Please won't you call and
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
To get me to you

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were young
But I had to grow
Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how
Call me call me
Let me know you are there
Call me call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
To get me to you
Come on now won't you
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
Reasons for livin my life
Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you
Peace of mind
What can I do
To get me to you

(comment on this)

Sunday, July 11th, 2004
1:32 pm - *sigh*
"You've Changed"

We've been through this before......

Compromise
With me agree right now
Useless cries
I'm telling you just how
Paralyzed
There is nothing I can do
I realize
I liked the other you.

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

Hypnotized
By all your complex games
Sacrifice
My own opinions change
Justify
Just why to stay with you
I can't see why
Nothing else for me to do
It makes no sense
Putting ourselves through all this
At my expense
Don't I deserve much less
It's way past time
To right the wrong we're in
The bottom line
No way that we can win

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

You brought it all, all on yourself, you're strange to me
[background vocal]
You brought on all this mess
My needs were not addressed
You caused so much distress
This much you must admit

You brought it all, all on yourself, you're strange to me
[background vocal]
You brought on all this mess
My needs were not addressed
You caused so much distress
This much you must admit

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

You've changed
Everything about you is strange
Look at yourself, you've changed
With the facts in your face
It's causing conflict

I'm not the one who changed

I'm not the one who changed

(comment on this)

Sunday, June 20th, 2004
11:02 am - An oldy but a goody
Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you're searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

I know that you've been damaged
Your soul has suffered such abuse
But I am not your savior
I am just as fucked as you
I am just as fucked as you
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
So just save yourself

Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me
Please don't take pity on me

My life has been a nightmare
My soul is fractured to the bone
And if I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone
I think I'd rather be alone

You can not save me
You can't even save yourself
I can not save you
I can't even save myself
Save yourself
So just save yourself

current mood: bored

(comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com